Oldie One But VERY Funny

by **Mr Cojones** August 19th 2008, 7:21 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the American

Courts, and are things people actually said in court,

word for word, taken down and now published by court

reporters who had the torment of staying calm while

these exchanges were actually taking place.

_______________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the

impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your

memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of

something you forgot?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said

to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person

dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the

next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old,

how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was

taken?

WITNESS: Is this a trick question?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was

August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I

need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning

pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your

attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you

performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

people. Would you like to rephrase that?

__________________________________________ ______

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What

school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

________________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the

body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why

I was doing an autopsy on him!

________________________________________________

-- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was

alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a

jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practicing law .

by **Lynn** August 19th 2008, 8:25 pm

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been

alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been

alive and practicing law .

Bottom feeders.....